Those of you, who are my friends in real life (i.e., not just through the virtual reality of the internet), know that my dad had a heart attack and passed away several years ago and that my mom had a stroke from the stress of my dad's passing. You also know that my mom's stoke caused her entire right side of her body to be paralyzed, because of which I've reduce my working hours to three days a week in order to take care of her.

On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, I work eight hours (during which a nursing tech takes care of my mom), and I watch my mom during the remaining sixteen hours. My mom's doctor appointments and therapy sessions are on Thursdays and Fridays. Saturdays, I do the shopping and other chores. Sundays, I watch my mom the whole day.

I had hoped that the Lord would have healed my mom by now but, for whatever reason, He has chosen to not do so despite my daily prayers for my mom's healing.

These past several years of twenty-four hour days are starting to take their toll and, these days, I'm starting to ask the Lord for reasons. It's especially tough since, before my mom's stroke, I had the opportunity to travel all over the world and now I'm confined within walls of my own home.

So each day, I cling to the opening verses from the Epistle of James.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

It got tougher, a couple of weeks ago when I contracted a very bad case of the flu. It sapped most of the energy from my mind as well as my body. Though exhausted from the flu, I still have the responsibility of taking care of my mom.

I just put my mom to bed and have a little bit of time to pray and contemplate. And in this moment of stillness, I once again receive a greater appreciation for the love of the Lord.

I love my mom and, for her, I chose to put my life on hold and care for her. However, I love my mom because she, first, loved me.

Yes, these are tough times, but what is my trial compared with the suffering of Christ? How much greater is His love for us that He was willing to endure the agony of dying on the cross for a world that didn't love Him?

Tonight, I received a small portion of His answer, but just a small portion.

Philippians 3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I've yet to fully understand the "power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering".

What I am thankful to God for: I'm thankful that I'm not rotting away in a Kyrgyz prison.

That's sort of a running joke for Thanksgiving ever since I returned home from Kyrgyzstan.

For those of you who haven't heard the story, I was arrested for illegal drug trafficking in Bishkek at the end of my summer in Kyrgyzstan.  I had no illegal drug, of course, much less was I trafficking anything.

Basically, this crooked cop was trying to shake me down for money.  Evidently, Americans are easy mark for this sort of scam.

Between each question concerning drugs, like "Where are you hiding the drug?", he would ask, "How much money do you have?" He was doing this while we were encircled by half a dozen other cops.

At one point, I decided to push pass the smallest guys and walk away. Amazingly, none of them tried to stop me.

But when I got to the curve where all the taxis were lined up, none of the drivers, with the exception of one, were willing to open their cab door. They had been watching the whole episode transpire and, with the exception of that one driver, nobody wanted to be involved.

When we were driving off, I asked the driver why he was willing to pick me up.

He said, "I saw what happened. God is with you."

I was thinking the same but I was doubtful that anyone would have recognized it as such much less an Uzbek Muslim man.  (Later on in our conversation, I found out that he's Uzbek.)

One of the blogs that I read regularly is that of an young woman named Colleen.  Recently, she posted a blog entry about her dad.  My dad passed away several years ago but as I read this blog entry, I was flooded with memories of my dad bringing him back to me momentarily.

So, I am remembering my dad in this blog entry and introducing him to you.

Several years ago, I gave a book to all the men in my house church.  It was a book by Stu Webber called "Tender Warrior".  In his book, Webber identifies four aspects of true manhood.

He is a Leader/King.
He is a Protector/Warrior
He is a Magician/Mentor
And he is a Friend/Lover

He is a Leader/King who receives his calling from the Lord, casts that vision for others, and invites others to come join the call.

He is a Protector/Warrior who fights for and provides for those the Lord puts under his care.

He is a Magician/Mentor who motivates and teaches those, which the Lord had brought to listen, by showing them the wonders and delights of what the Lord had shown him.

He is a Friend/Lover who speaks and acts with care and compassion for all those around him.


My dad, he was all four.

My dad was a leader who abandoned his lucrative teaching career in Taiwan to follow his calling to bring his wife and children to America.  But most importantly, he was a leader who continues to take his family on his journey of faith.

My dad was a protector and provider for our family.  He worked hard to earn a living and worked hard at attending to our needs at home.  But there were always times when my dad made the decision to sacrifice the financial security of the family in following his calling and allowing the Lord to be our protector and provider.

My dad was a mentor.  He was not just a teacher to his students.  He wasn't just interested in dispensing information.  My dad nurtured his students' growth as individuals, helping them acquire wisdom.  Especially for my brother and me, my dad surrounded us with an environment for learning and character development.  He exposed us to world literature while my mom exposed us to music and the arts.  All the while, they encouraged us to pursue the sciences.   But most important of all, he instilled in us a calling to pursue compassion and faith.

But of the four aspects of manhood that Webber identified, and my dad exemplified, the most indelible in my heart, is that last one.  My dad was a man of love.

My dad was a man who loved his God, who loved his wife, his children, his students, his neighbors.  During my childhood and into my adult years, my dad demonstrated every day that he was a man of love.

Although my dad was an English professor, words were not what he used most to express his love.  My dad loved with action.

I remember, when I was a child, my dad would rush home from work to spend time with me before dinner.  He would take me riding on his motorcycle.  We would go downtown to see all the lights And we would go to the rail station to watch the trains.  How I treasure those rides with my dad!

I remember one year, on my birthday, during a major ice storm, my dad insisted on going out to the store because we didn't have a cake with which to celebrate.  He ended up in an automobile accident.  But that day, there was a cake.

Even without action, my dad showed how much he loved my brother and me and showed how proud he is of us.  No one can miss the way his face beamed whenever he presented his boys to his friends and colleagues.

My dad loved my mom.  My dad loved her by being the husband who strives to build the home for his wife.  My childhood images, of love in the home, were that of my mom and dad enjoying each other's company as they work around the house together.  There is joy in their faces when they painted the living walls together.  There is laughter when they prepared the soil for planting or when they harvested from our backyard garden.

My dad loved his neighbors.  One of our neighbors was an elderly couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kaiser.  I remember my dad cutting the grass in our yard and when he's done, he'd roll the lawn mower over to the Kaiser's to mow their yard.  He'd rake the leaves in their yard after he raked our yard.  And He'd trim their bushes after he'd trim ours.  I remembered asking him why he did that, asking him if Mr. Kaiser had asked him to do their yard.  My dad, he'd say, "No, they didn't ask.  But they are old and have a hard time doing it themselves."  And he left it at that as if the answer was self-explanatory.

My dad loved his students.  He tutored them.  He encouraged them.  And the evidence of his love for them is their love for him.  Year after year, my dad was selected by his students as their favorite professor.

Once, one, of his students, needed someone to co-sign his education loan.  Evidently, the student's parents were either unable to or unwilling to co-sign the loan.  My dad co-signed the loan.  I don't know how often he did that for his students.  I would not have known about my dad co-signing the student's loan if it wasn't for that particular student having defaulted on the loan.

My dad's income as a college professor was quite meager.  My dad's income was definitely not large enough to be able to cover a student's defaulted loan.

So, early on, my dad taught me that love requires sacrifice.  What better foundation than that is there for understanding scripture verses like John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

God's ultimate demonstration of love through sacrifice.

But coupled with the constant reenforcement of my dad's demonstration of love through sacrifice is his demonstration of  his trust in the Lord to provide when we step out in faith.

Often, my dad's spontaneous generosity would put our family's budget at risk.  And each time, my dad allows the Lord to prove scripture verses like Matthew 6:33

But Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you.

And indeed, the Lord provided for our family abundantly: through the time when my dad didn't have an income because he was trying to complete his Ph.D. and through times of medical crisis for my dad and my brother.  The Lord even provided pretty much a free ride through college for my brother and me.

Most important of all, the Lord brought salvation to my life through my dad.  My heart was hard toward the Lord until my dad's massive stroke twenty years ago.  When he had the stroke, the doctor said that my dad would not live beyond the week.  It was at that point I went on my knees to ask the Lord to spare my dad's life.  And if He saves my dad, I would give my life to the Lord.  My dad was out of the hospital before the end of week.

My dad had set for me a wonderful example of godly manhood.  This legacy, that I inherited from my dad, is of greater worth than a hundred-acre estate or a multimillion dollar trust fund.

It was a priceless gift of being an apprentice to a man who had mastered the art of godly love.

No, I can't honestly say that I have acquired all that character that my dad had modeled for me.  There are good days and there are bad days.  On bad days, I fall flat on my face.  But on the good days... On those days when I came close...

when you see me, you've seen my father.

Although my mother, my brother and I miss my dad very much, we are also very much at peace and are filled with joy for my dad.  When he was a young man, my dad received the faith to accepted the Lord's gift of salvation through Jesus Christ and because of this faith my dad is now with the Lord.  And because of that same faith, he was given the grace to raise a family whose foundation is firmly set in Christ.

With all the stuff with which I have to deal (taking of my mom who had a stroke, taking of my brother who has a chemical imbalance, my diminished kidney function, my torn ligament on my right shoulder/upper arm, etc.), just when I thought it couldn't get worse, an extremely heavy security door at work slammed on my hand, today.

WHY, LORD?  How much more do I have to take?

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Your grace is sufficient?  What is that supposed to mean?  I'm in agony here!  My entire right arm from my shoulder down to my fingers is throbbing with pain!!!!!

The Lord is right, of course.  My body will tolerate the pain and adjust to the limited mobility.  Both will diminish in time.

But most importantly, the boundaries of what I thought I can withstand is once again expanded.

Last week, I tore ligaments on my upper arm and shoulder while transferring my mom from her wheelchair to her bed.  It hurt as badly as the time when my humerus was broken during a football (soccer) match.

Spent most of this past week meditating on

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

After spending nights and days asking the Lord, "Why? What are you trying to teach me with this injury?", and listening to His spirit speak through his Words, it became apparent what He desired for me.

Because He has blessed me with many strengths, I had become more and more reliant on those strengths and less and less on His.  Because of my confidence in my strengths, I ask what can I do for the Lord and not what is He calling me to do.  As I do so, my walk has become more and more a walk by myself and not a walk with Him.

Something cool happend to me.

Every day, I drive pass the intersection of North Avenue and Mt. Royal Avenue.  On this intersection, an elderly man is always there selling flowers.  He would have a bucket of flowers on one corner of the intersection but he'd be walking from one corner to the other trying to sell flowers to the drivers who are waiting for the light to change.

I rarely see people buy flowers from him so I am always feeling bad for him.

During rush hour, while I was waiting for the light to change at that intersection, I watched, with disbelief, as an event unfolded.  While the elderly man was on a different corner of the intersection than the corner where his bucket of flowers is, a teenager grabbed the bucket of flowers and took off.  The elderly man tried to catch him but the kid was too fast.

Now, I really feel bad for the elderly man.

So, the next day, I decided to buy some flowers from him.  He was selling a dozen roses for $3 but I handed him a $20 bill and told him to keep the change.  Boy, did his face light up.

Since I didn't want to deal with wet flowers in my car, I told him to give the flowers to the woman in the car behind me.  When the woman received the flowers, she was so excited that she stuck her torso out the window of her car and waved the flowers wildly at the driver behind her (evidently some one that she knows and was following her) and screaming something to her.  Then, the driver behind her became excited, too.

Boy, that made my day!  Can't out give God.

I used to lead Christian discipleship groups. Usually, when the group is first formed, I would ask everyone to assess how they are doing spiritually. I would try to do it in a fun way. One fun way is when I would ask everyone the following:

If your walk with Christ is a trip from one end of the country to the other, what kind of transportation would best describe how you are currently moving and where would you be (geographically) right now? Why did you choose that form of transportation and why did you choose that geographic location to describe how you are doing spiritually.

I would get a lot of very fun but very poignant answers and everyone has a lot of fun, not only coming up with his/her answers but also hearing others.

Yesterday, I started a discussion thread asking that question.  And, to be fair, I posted my answer first.

Here is my answer:

I'm a tractor trailer rig currently refueling at the Iowa 80 truck stop.

Why a tractor trailer rig?

Because I've been carrying a heavy load for a while.

My dad had a stroke that left him an invalid. My brother developed chemical imbalance illnesses: hypothyroid, diabetes, and a plethora of others. Through all this, I continued to fulfill my ministry responsibilities while working full time at my day job. Then, my dad had a heart attack and passed away, after which my mom had a stroke that left her an invalid. Then my cat, Amelia, developed kidney disease, high blood pressure, a heart murmur, and degenerative joint disease all of which require special daily attention.

Why at the Iowa 80?

Because it is in the middle of the country and it is the world largest truck stop.

Although I've come a long way in my walk with the Lord, I know that I've still got a long way to go.

I've completed my ministry responsibilities and about the same time paid off my house which allowed me to work three days a week at my day job, a thoroughly needed break.  Last week, the Lord finally allowed my cat to rest in peace.

Although I've been running on empty, the Lord is currently refueling me.

All this came just in time because I think I would break if I wasn't given the respite.

Praise God that he gives me all that I need when I need them.

Mathew 6:31-
31 So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"
32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Early yesterday morning, I heard a loud thumping and found my cat, Amelia, dragging herself up the stairs with her two front paws. Amelia had lost the use of her two hind legs. I immediately rushed her to the emergency veterinary clinic.

Amelia was 21 years old and for the past year, had been struggling with a breakdown of kidney functions, high blood pressure, the lost of vision in her right eye, and a heart murmur. This morning, the vet told me that Amelia also had degenerative joints in her hind leg and there's nothing she can do to allow Amelia to regain use of those legs. I had to choose between allowing her to continue to struggle with her illnesses or to put her to sleep.

Amelia was named after Amelia Earhart, the aviator because she had always wanted to fly. When I first received her as a kitten, she was already excited with the way the birds take flight. Every time she saw, through the window, a bird flying, she would jump on to the window sill and watch. And when the bird is out of sight, she would climb down to the floor and try to jump and take off. Shortly after first seeing birds fly, she climbed up the stairs and jumped from the second floor banister to the first floor. It scared me to death but she was all right. After that episode, she was Amelia Earhart.

Early yesterday morning, as I cradled Amelia in my arms stroking the top of her head and her back and listening to her heavy breath, I knew. After a life of flying in her dreams, it would be terrible to force her to crawl with her front paws for her remaining days.

As hard a decision as that was, I knew that it was time to give her back to the Lord.

I whispered, "I love you" to Amelia one last time before the vet injected her. Then I continued to stoke her as she gently fell asleep.

As I left her, I lost a huge chunk of myself; just as I had lost a large piece of me when my grandmother passed away, just as when Susie's plane crashed in Mexico, Just as when my Dad died of a heart attack.

Do animals have souls? Do they go to heaven? Suddenly, all the theology in the world doesn't matter.

Lord, please receive my baby into your arms.

I still have the London trip on my mind, today.  (See yesterday's blog entry for details on the London trip.) Today, I'm reminded of another lesson that the Lord taught me on that trip: learning to ask the Lord.

John 14:13-14
And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

When Mrs. Scale grabbed my hand and said, "It's time we pray", we were in the middle of pedestrian traffic.

My first reaction was, "You want us to go back to the church to pray?"

There were two problems with my perspectives:

1. We pray in church and in the privacy of our home, but we don't ask the Lord to help us while we are standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
   
2. I really wasn't expecting prayer to help so I was reluctant to go all the way back to the church, just to pray.

I know, I know... most of you, who know me, know that bizarre stuffs happen to me all the time.  Like when Jay and I were coming out of the Buttery Restaurant and a homeless man w/ AIDS wanted a hug from me because he hasn't had human touch for a long time.  Or when I gave the drug addict prostitute a ride home, because it was pouring down rain, and I got stuck by her syringe needle in her sweater pocket.

Last night, however, was more bizarre than usual.

Last night (technically, it's this morning since it was after midnight), I went to the main post office on Fayette Street.  When I was done at the post office and pulling out of my parking spot, a hysterical young woman ran to my car screaming that she was attacked by and robbed by a black man and a black woman.

I offered to called the police with my cell phone, but she insisted that I call her bank first so that she can cancel her credit card before her muggers use it.  When it became evident that she was not going be persuaded that calling the police first would be the better course of action, I relented and called Chevy Chase Bank's 800 number (using directory assistance).  As it turned out, the bank was transitioning to a new phone system and customers would not be able to get to an operator until the next day.

Finally, she was willing to let me call the police.  When a woman police officer arrived, she was reluctant to give any detail about where she was coming from and where she was going.

At one point, she broke down and revealed that she was working on "the Block" and was headed to a main road.  Evidently, she had lost her warehouse job in Glen Burnie.  With her savings dwindling and no prospect of a new job, she had to resort to working on "The Block".  And when her shift was over, she was hoping to "hitch a ride."  But because she was not familiar with the city, she got lost and ended up in a secluded area where she was mugged.  She confessed that she wasn't willing to give that part of the detail to the police officer at first because she was afraid that the officer wouldn't treat her like a regular robbery victim.

Now, here's the bizarre part.  She wasn't able to give a coherent story and the details of the attack were sketchy at best.

For instant, she described the location as a park area where there are benches next to a tennis court.  There's no such place.

Then, she said that the muggers took her credit card and cell phone.  However, they didn't take any money since she didn't have any cash.  That's strange because if she had been working on "The Block", her entire night's earning would be mostly in cash tips.

Without any lead to track down the muggers, the officer wasn't able to do anything for her except to give her an incident report with which to report the stolen credit card.

After the police officer left, I let her use my cell phone to ask her friend to come pick her up and take her home.  I waited with her at the post office until her friend arrived.  Although her friend lives in Glen Burnie, near her, he arrived rather quickly (less than 15 minutes).

As I drove home, my thoughts spun trying to figure out what actually transpired.  Nothing seems to make sense.  Suddenly, a thought occurred to me.  Could it be some kind of scam?  Is it possible that by calling her friend on my cell phone, they would have my cell phone number and they can exploit my cell phone number?

As I turned south from Fayette Street onto Martin Luther King Blvd, still pondering over the possibility of being scammed, over half a dozen police squad cars with their lights flashing and siren blaring, made the same turn right behind me.  As I pulled over, five or six of them flew past me.  But, one pulled over behind me.

So I waited for the officer to approach.  And I waited.  And I waited.

Finally, I stuck my head out my window and asked the officer if he had pulled me over.

The officer laughed and said, no, he pulled over because there's something wrong with his squad car.

As I said, a very bizarre night!

One of my MySpace friends, Lena, is a big movie fan.  Like me, she finds it a challenge to find a good movie, at Blockbuster, that she hasn't yet seen.  With her birthday coming up, I decided to put together a list of really good rarely viewed movies that I think she'd like.  Plus, since women are always wondering what goes on inside a guy's head, these movies would be about what it means to be a man.

I started with a list of great relationship movies about men, trimmed off all the popular ones, trimmed off all the recently released ones (5 years old or less), and trimmed off those that don't seem to make a point about what it means to be a man.

After all that, the list got shortened to only thre recommendation (sorry, Lena).  They are "To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)", "Beautiful Girls (1996)", and "High Fidelity (2000)"

1. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
   Many people think that this movie (and book) is about racism in the south.  However, this theme is only one of the devices used to illustrate what it means to be a man.  The movie is seen through the eyes of a 5-6 year old girl (Scout) as she compares the behavior of the men in her life.  The movie opened with Scout's brother's (Jem's) view of what it means to be a man: athleticism (playing football), power (a gun), and risk-taking (boy's idea of bravery).  Not in the movie, but in the book, Jem participated in a pissing contest with their neighbor, Dill (competition involving urinating: for distance, acuracy, endurance, and sometime creativity like writing or drawing in the snow).  i.e., A man has the right equipment to compete in this contest that obviously Scout can not participate.  But as Scout watches the actions of her father (Atticus Finch) who is a lawyer, his black client (Tom Robinson), and the mentally ill neighbor (Boo Radley), and compares their action with those of other men around her, she starts to see that a real man does not get his identity from physical power, political power, finanical power or any other things that most men pursue.  She sees that a real man gets his identity from the strength of his character.  A character that pursues justice, shows compassion, and sacrifices for the ones he loves.  The movie is not only poignant but has a lot of very funny comic reliefs (relieves?).  "To Kill a Mockingbird" is considered by many to be Gregory Peck's best movie.  Robert Duvall played Boo Radley.


2. Beautiful Girls (1996)
   Girls, if you want to know why men have trouble committing to a relationship, this movie is the one to see.  It has an ensemble cast that includes Timothy Hutton, Natalie Portman, Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman, Mira Sorvino, Rosie O'Donnell, Lauren Holly, Michael Rapaport, and Annabeth Gish.  The movie follows Timothy Hutton's character as he goes home to a high school re-union and anguishes over whether his girlfriend is the ONE.  Uma Thurman and Natalie Portman put in a terrific performance as characters who represent the unknow options.  Thurman's character represents the woman who could be the ONE but geographically removed.  Portman's character represents the woman who could be the ONE but has yet to grow up to be a woman.  Thurman's character shows Hutton's character that while he thinks her boyfriend is the luckiest guy in the world, other guys are thinking the same about him and his girlfriend (Gish).  And while Hutton's character pines for the woman that Portman would become, he discovers that his girlfriend (Gish) is already there.  This is another movie that is both poignant and funny.



3. High Fidelity (2000)
   In this adaptation of Nick Hornby's book with the same title, John Cusack plays a character (Rob) who doesn't know what it takes to love a woman.  Unfortunately, he is surrounded by guys who are just as clueless.  Hornby uses the "knowing how to make a great compilation tape" theme as the analogy to knowing how to love a woman.  In the beginning Cusack's character describes the techniques that he uses to put together a great compilation tape.  At the end of the movie, he is making a tape for his girlfriend Laura, just putting songs, that she likes, on the tape.  He learns that love is about putting what's best for Laura ahead of what's best for him.  The book provides lots of great material for the movie; on top of that, Cusack makes every movie, that he's in, fun to watch.